If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.


*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?


doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not


My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.


Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on


No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.


I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people