@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

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@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

@DartsBofficial

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@bobvulfov

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@Token_Geezer

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

@karanlyons

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

@SamGrittner

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people