If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist