If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
next level snooze
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“you recording!?”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂