if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water