If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
You Might Also Like
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit