If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
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This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen