If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice