If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.