If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
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Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
He’s dead
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.