If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.