If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
True?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon