If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.