If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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u spoke cat all this time??????
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
meow
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?