If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
August 8
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
just gave your address to some spiders
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.