If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
my dad when a sex scene comes on
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!