If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet