If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I get distracted pretty eas
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.