If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
uncle dave has been through hell
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince