If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.