If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*