If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Shower sex be like:
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.