If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
How about daylight saves us for once
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Practicing safe sax
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”