If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.