If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
#math
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.