If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him