If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Breaking news:
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
best review i’ve ever seen