If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*pronounces woah like Noah*
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Fluff me with a fork baby
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
He wanted to make sure😂
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
when you don’t want to be too vague
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.