If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”