If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”