if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.