@Reverend_Scott

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

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@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@Brianhopecomedy

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

@UnFitz

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@smiles_and_nods

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

@mochanya

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!