If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope