If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…


Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.


People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.


The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.


Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”


People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!