Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@NinsunG

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

@patnspankme

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

@zachcozad1

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@1evilidiot

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@bornmiserable

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

@mattZillaaaa

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!