I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!