If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.