Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
You Might Also Like
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.