@Lemonidas42 Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
@dumbbeezie If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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@Lemonidas42 
@praisecheese For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
@mean_spice Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
@weinerdog4life Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
@Marlebean It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
@MavenofHonor Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
@garrydavenport Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
@kentgrossarth Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
@Fred_Delicious Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
@DaveTheAlbino There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.