@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

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@Lemonidas42

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

@praisecheese

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

@mean_spice

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

@Marlebean

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

@garrydavenport

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

@Fred_Delicious

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

@DaveTheAlbino

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.