If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Steam Forums
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again