If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.