if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.