@AudreyPorne

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

You Might Also Like

@JamesBarretts

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@Gupton68

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

@Social_Mime

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@js_jacques

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.