if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.