if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.