If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
181.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.