If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”