If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Otters see a butterfly.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
meanwhile over on facebook
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon