If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?