If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.