@IamJackBoot

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

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@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

@scootergonscoot

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

@gogglepossum

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

@oh_em_fn_gee

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

@Death_Buddy

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@GoldenSpirals

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

@awescar

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?