“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?