If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water