If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
At least try to make it slightly believable
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: