If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I beg your pardon?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.