If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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🤣dope
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.