If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.