If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
You Might Also Like
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.