If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
それは草
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.