If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
❤️🦆
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.