If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.